


oh, my paradox

by losestelia



Category: ONF (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Body Image, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Insecurity, It gets better I swear, M/M, big fat inner monologue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:40:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25011040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/losestelia/pseuds/losestelia
Summary: more is lessless is moreyour imperfection makes you even more perfect
Relationships: Lee Changyoon | E-Tion/Shim Jaeyoung | Wyatt
Comments: 7
Kudos: 32





	oh, my paradox

**Author's Note:**

> [insert that gif of donald glover walking in with a pizza while chaos ensues] hi guys...  
> i said i would post every month so i will be waiting until the last possible second to post this monstrosity. the tag is really...somethin...rn wouldn't you agree? i'm happy to see all the new writers and ideas here, it makes me emotional *sniffles* when i started i was all alone and now the tag is updating like every day??? this is crazy???  
> onf world domination i think ;)  
> anyway here's this mess of a think-piece i hope you like it at least a little bit.  
> happy pride for *checks watch* like 10 more minutes!!  
> enjoy

jaeyoung doesn’t know if he feels beautiful or not when he sees the smudged silhouette of his body in the mirror. he can’t be ugly- he can still bear to look at himself. but not for too long or his face starts to become like an overused word. he just starts to lose meaning, become nothing but jumbled letters that no one can recognize.

mismatched eyes, broad shoulders that seem too small to carry the weights thrown on them. he can’t carry much more, he thinks, he can’t carry all these feelings anymore. there are just too many words for the feelings that brew in him he just defines them as- muddy. like a mood ring shifting between colors. 

when he was a kid his mood ring was always deep purple, which meant ‘love’ judging by the little paper that came with the blasted thing.

 _love?_ his little 11-year-old self had thought, _but i don't love anyone_. and that thought itself had terrified him. that his body had made a decision before his mind did- before he had readied his heart. he was terrified of his own thoughts, still is. even if leaving his mood ring in the freezer overnight a few months later told him it was based on temperature and not the black magic he assumed. 

he tries to keep himself in sync.

his biology, psychology, emotion...ology. tries not to have any misunderstandings.

like senior year of high school.

jaeyoung remembers the look that had been on his face when he turned his head and saw his own face. his own body and his own expression melting into a mix of pleasure and anguish. 

it was a bucket list thing.

to graduate a virgin was to graduate a failure in his eyes back then. he wanted nothing to do with his sexuality and apparently getting sex out of the way was the only way to ignore it completely. he went to prom in a group with his close friends that spring, as to not raise suspicion with his mom about what he could be up to. he scrubbed and moisturized and shaved every square inch of his person and his checklist for getting this over with was completed.

he was ready.

right?

yes.

right?

he had gone back and forth like this all night as the friend(or friend of a friend he had a vague understanding of) he'd decided was good enough to screw around with whispered in his ear about heading out of here. jaeyoung nodded but not because he was sure but because be was unsure of what to do if he wasn't saying yes. if he wasn't moving forward wasn't he moving backward?- or worse, just standing still while everyone passed him. so he let himself be guided gently into an uber let himself fake the excitement in his voice when he was told his friend’s parents weren't home so they had the house to themselves. he didn't understand why he was having such a hard time being happy for himself.

he’d checked off everything on his bucket list.

or was about to.

couldn't he just lighten up?

they kissed as soon as the front door was shut, he kind of smelled like vodka which had jaeyoung kicking himself for not thinking of getting a little drunker beforehand. it may help with this swirling pit of something in his chest. he tried to remember to google if it was possible to get drunk off of a drunk person’s spit because after a few minutes he felt a little dizzy.

it wasn't difficult to get aroused by someone else touching him, someone else kissing down his neck and pressing him back against a creaky too-small mattress. he unbuttoned his own shirt and tossed his tie across the room, they both laughed about it but jaeyoung's laugh was different. it was far away, like the tie flopping onto the floor with a comical slap was the only thing his brain could process right then. it happened in slow motion almost. even when a voice asked is he was ready he was still staring at that tie on the ground. he didn’t say anything but his silence was taken as agreement.

how lonely it looked sitting there- his tie.

how perfectly it was crumpled, how easily it was forgotten. 

then he saw that face in the floor-length mirror leaning against the wall- his own face.

a tear rolling down his right cheek and onto the bed, mouth parted and saying words he's not completely sure he means but can't be positive are all lies. 

he doesn't know anything.

not even himself.

he got what he wanted though, right? 

thoughts of his sexuality dissipated and were replaced with the worthlessness he carries around now. for 5 years he hasn’t given sex a second thought(unless that second thought was ‘yikes! never doing that again’).

he doesn’t want to see how he’ll feel the next time, he doesn’t want to blame it on the person he was with. he just wants to keep it to himself- that lonely floating feeling and never do it again. never give himself a chance to feel that way again.

never again.

he doesn’t want to be looked over, no, he doesn't like that either. 

he’s ugly.

yeah, maybe he is. 

the bathroom door cracks open and jaeyoung’s heart nearly falls right out of his mouth- it’s changyoon.

“hey i-” his eyes narrow and get that weird glint, “ _hello_ , i’m gonna play animal crossing on your switch i’m not a burglar so don’t freak if you see me on the couch.” changyoon stays leaning in the doorway like he has something else he needs to say but forgot it.

“is that it?” the towel around jaeyoung’s waist is secure but he’s still squirming in changyoon’s presence. wasn’t this the kind of thing he decided he was avoiding? physical vulnerability of any kind? changyoon snaps vaguely around in the air searching for a word, making a face like he just got it and then furrowing his brow again. 

“can this wait until i have clothes on?” 

changyoon hums, mostly for dramatic effect and not because he has anything going on in his head, “no.”

“really?”

“uh-huh.”

“ _really?_ ” he cross his arms, mostly a self-conscious reflex and he can also feel his nipples start to perk pointedly at the cold coming in from the cracked door.

“hey,” changyoon pouts, “i was enjoying the view.” 

jaeyoung blinks, “what?” 

“i. was. enjoying-”

“ _i heard you.”_ he walks toward the door to try manually pushing him out of the bathroom, then instantly understands that he is about to be within inches of someone while basically naked and he freezes in place, “get out.” 

“just one more sec-”

“ _get. out.”_

and changyoon’s gone- from sight at least. the sound of him grumbling about life being unfair is still very present as he makes himself at home in jaeyoung’s apartment. jaeyoung takes a deep breath and lets it go. what was he gonna do about all this fear, all of this anxiety- deep breath. let it out. 

he tries to focus on his train of thought before changyoon came in but all he can picture is changyoon sitting on his couch wearing those little khaki shorts and white socks that go up to the base of his knees complaining about how jaeyoung doesn’t decorate his island enough, how he should take classes from him when it comes to interior design- deep breath. let it go. that face in the mirror(that face he decided was hideous) if blushing horrendously all the way down that unfamiliar neck-deep breath. let it go. 

he reaches for the faucet and twists the knob with the little blue marking as far as it’ll go and shoved his head under the stream until it no longer felt like he was on fire. 

he tried to inhale through his nose but just got a throat full of indirect nose water- splutter it out. 

the hair he just spent 10 minutes drying is wet again and he’s still blushing and he’s _still_ thinking about changyoon's absurdly tiny feet propped up on his couch.

the thing he’d mainly overlooked in his quest to just be single for the rest of his life or at least continue his asexual virtues- lee changyoon.

and the glaring reality that he’s annoyingly attracted to his equally annoying marshmallow face. 

“i need to get my shit together.”

* * *

it’s impossible for the two of them to sit on the couch comfortably. 

changyoon takes up both too much room and is a tiny ball only spanning a cushion. the small loveseat like couch was bought so jaeyoung could pass out in his living room watching queer eye and not feel like a total disappointment sleeping in the foldable chair that he had before. now it’s constantly occupied by changyoon making puns to himself and pausing occasionally for laughter and applause like he has his own netflix special. jaeyoung slid off the poor piece of furniture onto the round throw rug just so he could watch changyoon at a better angle. leaning into his shoulder on the couch so his back doesn’t completely seize up and quit on him. 

changyoon is focused on the little switch screen, tiny hands tilting the console to the left or right so his fingers can reach the buttons. jaeyoung is mesmerized by the focused and scrunched look on his face, interrupted only by a slight smile at his own jokes. 

“you’re not funny y'know.” jaeyoung whispers it after a particularly unfunny joke involving butchering an australian accent.

“i’m hilarious.” changyoon unfolds his leg to nudge jaeyoung’s shoulder blade with his knee, “you can’t get enough of me, you can’t live without me. you can’t go a single day without thinking about how much you _adore_ me-” he sets down the switch and slithers his torso off the couch so his palms rest on the carpet by jaeyoung’s now profusely sweating hands. 

his face is a few inches from his face, grinning that stupid shit-eating grin. he has this kneejerk reaction to slap it off his face _hard_. 

“i’m your everything.”

“you’re an idiot.”

he blinks, his eyelashes fluttering like fairy wings, “i’m _your_ idiot.” 

his hand stings a bit and changyoon’s clutching his cheek like jaeyoung swung at him with a baseball bat covered in barbed wire but it shuts him up. he doesn’t usually resort to violence but when he does it’s usually violence towards changyoon.

which is always appropriate. 

his phone vibrates on the table and changyoon pretends not to hear it and continues to writhe in pain- it’s his mom. 

his _mom?_

he picks it up quickly putting it up to the ear facing away from changyoon, “hello?” 

_“jaeyoung, sweetheart! i finally got a hold of you it seems like you’re always working.”_ a pang of guilt settles in his heart. she’s totally got him pegged. 

“yeah uhm, so what’s up?” 

_“well me and your father were discussing, since it’s such a hassle to come down here to visit us how about we visit you at your house for this month’s dinner?”_ it’s not an awful idea, but a little off the mark.

“you mean my apartment complex?”

 _“oh. i forgot you live in one of those.”_ she’s speaking like he’s lower class when his family is middle-class suburb trash at best. 

“it’s fine mom. i don’t live in a cardboard box it’s a nice complex.” she seems unconvinced, sighing heavily into the phone. his parents were wanting to come and have dinner with him but with all their busy schedules and how far into the city jaeyoung lives, he can’t manage to decide on a restaurant fast enough for his mother’s liking. 

so what if they just come over, right?

that’s...fine. 

it’s not like he has sex toys or illegal substances or really anything out of the ordinary, his house is as normal as he is(at least outwardly). the only thing he can think to hide from his parents is changyoon. the loudmouth next door who has nothing better to do than play his video games and drink his(adult) juice boxes in comically short shorts- _that_ he might want to keep from his parents. speaking of changyoon- he’s attempting to communicate ‘what’s she saying?’ in a mix of fingerspelling and what he is positive is not actually sign language. resorting to pushing his face as close as he could to the phone. jaeyoung doesn’t have the heart or the energy to hit him again so he lets him lean nosily toward the speaker. 

_“i believe you but your father and i don’t want to intrude.”_

changyoon leans back with a puzzled look on his face, “she doesn’t want to protrude? doesn’t want what to protrude?” 

he swats him away and gets up off the floor, covering the microphone and whispering, “nothing now sit still and play your game.” before walking briskly to his bedroom down the hall. when the door is safely shut he answers, “you wouldn’t be and either way it’s easier than me having to go down there- you know how bad that drive is and to make it every month isn’t worth it. and i have work in the morning, really, it’s no problem.” he really couldn't care less about the drive and he constantly wordlessly disappears from his job it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary. he just wants his mom to see that he’s not a _complete_ failure in life. after coming out to her in a fit of manic confidence their relationship hasn't rebuilt itself. he thinks shes waiting for the day he calls her up and tells her he’s getting married to a girl and all that gay stuff was just a phase. she wouldn't tell him that, but it’s definitely crossed her mind. to be honest he waited for that day too. the day he can clear the dark tunnel of sexual confusion and identity crisis and bask in the sun of “normal human existence”. 

he’s still waiting. 

_“okay, okay. well i can bring some of your old school pictures and yearbooks you left them in the attic here and your father has gotten into camping lately and needs a place to store all his crap. well, not crap but you know how your father is with his little hobbies.”_

he does know. what’s left of his childhood bedroom is now an abandoned pottery studio from his dad’s whole bowl making mid-life crisis. he would really rather all his memories just get thrown out like all his disappointing report cards did the second he threw his graduation cap. he shoved them into the attic in a literal way of pushing them to the back of his mind. then called the apartment complex 3 hours from his parents’ house and took the first room they offered him. he liked his parents, he did, but he needed to get out for a lot of reasons. 

“so when do you think you’ll make it over here?” he’s gnawing his lip a little harshly now. what will his parents think of how he lives. what will they think of the quirky next-door neighbor who he’s kind of obviously obsessed with?

_“probably about a week, the cars in the shop right now so maybe sooner if the employee’s at jiffy lube ever get their heads out of their asses. you know how the one down the street is.”_

again, he really did.

“okay well give me a call when you’re on your way.”

 _“what? so you can get all the girls out before we get there- or boys- men? sorry.”_ it makes him cringe but he can tell she’s trying and that’s all that matters. kind of. he would appreciate a little less cringe. 

“it’s nothing like that, mom.” 

changyoon busts through the door pointing angrily at the switch which appears to be turned off. or more likely, judging by his panicked expression, just ran out of battery. he points to the phone and changyoon rolls his eyes like his animal crossing adventures are clearly more important. 

“okay uh i have to go i have another call.” he’s never used that excuse because it makes no sense that not only is he talking to someone on the phone but someone else also needs to talk to him at the same time. 

_“oh alright then, i’ll let you go. love you, talk to you later.”_

“bye.” he jams his thumb onto the end call button, “you fucking buffoon, the charger is literally sitting by the tv.” he can’t say it without laughing because changyoon looks so defeated.

“no need to be so harsh mr. i’m too cool to say ‘i love you’ to my own mom.” 

jaeyoung blinks, “i did say ‘i love you’.” 

“ _no,_ you didn't you just went ‘uh ok bye’.” his impressions are still just as terrible when it comes to impersonating him. he sounded like a cross between darth vader and mickey mouse- jaeyoung hesitates to speak again, fearing his voice will come out like that. 

“i swear i did.” it comes out normal(thank god) but changyoon looks a little more peeved “but whatever, i might have remembered to say it if you’d used you're _eyes_ and gotten the charger yourself." he steps into his room and pounces on his bed which he realizes is something he never does. he eats his food, barges into his bathroom, puts his feet up on his couch- but never his bed. his little white socked feet kick as he lies on his stomach, pouting like an ignored child. 

“you’re mean, you know that?” 

“i was vaguely aware.” 

“ _see._ ” he drags out the syllable rolling down the bed to knock into his side so his head is sitting beside his thigh, staring up at him with his glassy eyes that remind him of animal but he’s never been able to figure out which one, “even that was mean. can you go one day without being mean to me?” jaeyoung swallows, his hands twitching in his lap to stroke the mess of dark brown hair that prickles at his exposed thigh. he can be nice, he just doesn’t know how. he’s not a total dick to everyone. he gives customers a big flashy smile and makes funny faces at babies crying over their mother’s shoulders at restaurants. he likes talking to people, he likes a loud boisterous conversation every now and then but his self-consciousness usually gets in the way before he can get to that point. the more these feelings crawl and stick to him the more he tries to get them off, get changyoon off.

well, not in that way. 

well, yes, in that way but not- whatever the point is he likes changyoon and it’s making him be weird. 

“i can. i will just choose not to.” 

changyoon groans, propping his head up onto his lap without asking. jaeyoung doesn’t panic he just tried to breathe and enjoys the warmth of his cheeks on his skin.

“is this how you’ll treat your future spouse? calling them names, depriving them of affection, depriving them of their precious switch charger?” he appreciates changyoon’s gender-neutral approach. he’s subtly mentioned some male actors he’s thought were hot or maybe some coworker he joked about asking to dinner. changyoon’s never been one to assume anyway. everything about him is fluid, he didn’t care who you were or who you liked he just wanted your food, video games, and admiration. 

“you mean _my_ switch and _my_ charger? i’d gladly share with my spouse but _you_ -” he taps changyoon on the nose, inwardly squealing at how bouncy it is, “-are just the dork next door.” 

“this was a trick question jaeyoung, i _will_ be your husband. and i _will_ continue to use your switch till death do us part and all that.”

“you’ll marry me just for my $200 game console? i thought your standards were higher than that, i thought you couldn't be bought?”

“mmm,” he shimmies up so his head is settled on between his thighs(which is _fine_ ), “not just for the switch, i like this apartment, and your body is _killer_ so the switch is just a bonus.” jaeyoung chooses to skip over the fact that his apartment looks just like changyoon’s just with slightly less garbage strewn everywhere. 

“i can’t believe you just said ‘killer’.” _and in reference to my shitty human form_ he leaves that out because it sounds too much something an insecure alien would say. 

“but am i wrong?” _yes._ “your shoulders are so broad and strong-”

“not really.” he shrugs, gauging the weight. 

“your chest and abs are so defined-”

“ok, barely-”

“and your thighs- i’ve been lying here this whole time and this shit is _solid_.” he knocks on his thighs for emphasis, “you’re the perfect man.” 

of course, there are days when he wants to disappear. when he wants his face to melt away to reveal nothing at all, his features non-existent. 

jaeyoung flops back on to the bed, ignoring when changyoon moves up to lie next to him, “i’m not.” 

“and that makes you more perfect.”

“that’s kind of a paradox.” 

changyoon just shrugs as if to say ‘agree to disagree’ and slides seamlessly closer. his hair sprawling across his face. he tells himself it’s his acute asthma that’s making it difficult to breathe.

changyoon’s hand is warm and sweating as it come to rest on his stomach, pressing his fingers down into the flesh in a rhythmic cascade. like he’s playing a scale on the piano over and over. jaeyoung’s hands are glued to the bed, twitching with every little tap. 

the silence is heavy and he's gulping in air and he feels like words should be coming out of his mouth- like he should be doing something with all these feelings bubbling up. 

“can i kiss you?” 

changyoon says it softly but not weakly, like its a meaningless passing musing and not the very thing jaeyoung’s had on his mind for weeks, and possibly the whole time they’ve known each other. 

“yeah.” is all he says. no questions or retorts. no comebacks or confusions. he just wants to see if changyoon can be the one that breaks the curse. he rolls over, their bare thighs brush and changyoon brackets his hips adjusting himself so their mouths line up perfectly. jaeyoung closes his eyes, it’s all happening quickly and he thinks that’s why he’s not panicking. he’s not thinking. 

changyoon's mouth was pressed against his own, and this kiss wasn’t soft or gentle, but hot and desperate and filled with a million unanswerable questions. changyoon wasn't asking those questions- no, it's like he was just asking them into the air. he let them go like a thousand balloons in front of jaeyoung’s face, obstructing his view with a colorful haze he can’t escape. he doesn’t want to see the real world. 

figuratively, jaeyoung melted. in the space of three seconds, he transformed from a solid, (slightly) human adult into a pool of liquid adoration and nervousness, and began to soak into the mattress. 

it's fine.

he needed to change the sheets anyway.

he kisses back with similar intensity putting tense hands on changyoon’s waist as small ones find their way onto his chest. there’s no tongue yet but it’s not long before one of them gets brave. 

he knows changyoon's tongue is short.

when he comes and bothers him at baskin robbins to just annoyingly ask him for a tiny spoon sample of every new flavor- that's when he's seen his tongue(he doesn't just watch changyoon lick things he's not that much of a freak). the tiny pink thing scoops the contents of the spoon off and into his mouth. he wonders how close he'd have to get, how far he'd have to go, just to suck changyoon's tongue. he'd thought about it then too. how great it'd be to taste nearly all 31 flavors on his cold yet pretty tongue. he’s not completely sure on the logistics of tongue sucking but it seems pretty straight forward. he waits for a changyoon to pull back slightly to take the lead. make changyoon play at his pace- which was erratic to say the least but changyoon has always been a go-with-the-flow kind of guy anyway. he feels that short pretty thing press against his lips and he opens for it. his tongue tastes like his apple and white grape juice boxes- his nice ones. and he’s mad for a second but currently he’s as good as a puddle of liquid, and liquid doesn’t hold grudges. he just marvels at his favorite flavor subtly sticking to his favorite tongue. he rakes his nails up changyoons back, catching on his shirt but careful to put it back into place. that’s not what right now was for. it wasn’t for more than a kiss. he shouldn’t speak for changyoon but for once he can manage to speak for himself. he has a clear goal in mind when he cradles the back of changyoon’s head, folding the flopping strands of hair between his fingers. he catches his tongue mid-tangle and seals around it. there’s a little noise of shock that tickles his lip but there’s no objection to jaeyoung’s ministrations. he releases him reluctantly worried he might get a cramp in his neck from the angle. in a helpful burst of confidence, he flips them, pressing changyoon into the mattress. tangling their legs until he’s dangerously close.

“you’re so hot.” changyoon breathes, almost pained by the statement. the _false_ statement but it makes jaeyoung bolder either way. 

“whatever you say.” he sighs intentionally over changyoon’s neck, relishing the shiver and flinch and his ego is growing at a dangerous pace here. 

"stop messing around."

their lips touch as he grins, "i'm not." 

he puts his palms at the waistband of those little shorts, pushing up under the hem as far as he can so it gathers thick around his wrists. he sits there, feeling the expanding and retracting breath in his stomach meet jaeyoung's own. feel his surprisingly prominent collar bones. he waits for changyoon to give him a sign, an instruction- but he just stares. big eyes burning holes in his skin, like a magnifying glass pointed on a hot day searing at a line of ants.

"should i take this off?" 

"i don't know," changyoon leans, naked(but not enough) torso stuck to his forearms, "should you?" 

and _oh_ how he wants to punch him right across that(also surprisingly) cut jaw. kiss the confidence out of his voice. 

and take it for himself- give up the butterflies angrily fluttering through his veins. his lips purse with impatience, trying to keep in all of his instincts telling him to beg or move or run.

changyoon takes his strained expression as a cue to pull his lip between his surprising sharp teeth and hold it there. in that suspended moment the worry starts to creep in, he shut his eyes harder than he probably should have.

“hey, are you okay? you’re shaking.” 

he’s right, the hands gripping his collarbones are trembling so violently he can't stop it. his knees are wobbling and threatening to give way beneath him. something is gripping him, by the throat and by the stomach and by the heart. and there’s no reason behind it. 

it’s just the curse.

the fear that sits on his shoulders and waits until his heart is so full of love and want it could burst- then creeps into his veins. he can barely speak, barely tell changyoon he should probably go. 

“did i do something wrong?” 

jaeyoungs flopped back onto the bed, his shaking limbs limp at his sides, “no this just-” _a side effect of my self-hatred which is a consequence of my first sexual experience 5 years ago._

“it’s not you, i just need to calm down.” 

“okay…” the silence after his words is deafening, “i’ll go then.” 

“cool.” is all he can manage as dread slides down his back like cold melting ice cream. leaving him numb in its wake. 

the next words come from further away, “and jaeyoung?” he hums to show he’s alive, possibly listening. 

“that was really fun.” the bedroom door closes and the front door following shortly after. 

fun? 

kissing him is fun? 

his anxiety is fun?

his slight obsession with changyoon’s tongue is fun?

fun. 

his eyes flutter closed and he’s suddenly exhausted, his adrenaline spent and confidence wearing off. he curls into himself and crawls up to a pillow. 

and falls asleep with 3 letters scrolling past his eyelids.

fun. 

* * *

when his eyes crack open again it was pitch black in his room, the natural light before had faded and left him in a cave. he felt around for his phone and found it on the other side of the bed half dead but still good enough to play puzzle games on.

something about looking at his phone when the whole room is dark makes his heart race. maybe it reminds him of when he was a kid, looking at his nintendog roll around on the carpet with the digital puppy smile on its face. it was 3 in the morning and his mom would have murdered him if she saw he was up but he was in his own little world. with his little dog and his 

happy thoughts.

that was more innocent than the feeling he's getting now. heart still pounding hard, staring at his color-matching puzzle game with a blank unfocused stare. he's not thinking about which pixelated toy to get for his golden retriever puppy- probably thinking the exact opposite.

changyoons skin was so soft.

like the stuffing in the inside of a teddy bear coming out the side of its head. like a thick layer of buttercream frosting in a birthday cake. 

he has the urge to touch him a lot lately.

as the hot weather creeps up in him and changyoon breaks out his shorts for the summer, his almost-tank-tops and his shirts with random cutouts in the shoulders and back. he wants to reach out and touch.

he wants to kiss him again.

maybe. 

he thinks.

jaeyoung squeezes his eyes shut and thinks really hard in this new feeling emerging, tries to catch it before it mixes with all of his other stupid thoughts. 

this dense and deep _yearn_.

and not for things far off but for something he _just_ had.

one that leaves him aching and breathless, washing over him full force and threatening to drown him. 

he wants to kiss changyoon again somewhere cold and secluded. 

like the industrial freezer in the back of the baskin robbins that locks from the outside. the two of them alone and pressed into the crystal cover walls shivering, dragon breath mixing. he's not numb yet so every kiss just moved slowly instead of mechanically. changyoon crowds him for warmth and wraps his arms around his waist to press their slowly cooling bodies together.

he's always liked the way cold hands felt on his skin even in more innocent situation. changyoon's small cold hands dragging down his arms slowly, inside his shirt dragging blunt nails down his back. he's shivering but it's impossible to tell if he's cold or turned on or anxious out of his mind. changyoon's breathy drawl whispering to him that he'll be okay if he just trusts him. he'll take care of him. it's so dark he didn't see the hand moving to stroke his inner thighs coming until it's in him- until it's all over him. 

he wants to give in.

jaeyoung sits up.

that was random.

that thought was random.

and yet it was so incredibly natural and expected at the same time. he's not asleep or even remotely tired so he can't blame it on his rampant unconscious horny dream factory or the sleep deprivation station. this is all him following the breadcrumb trail of his rawest emotions to the end. and instead of a way back home it's just walked him into a dark abyss- he's freefalling past jagged rocks and he's waiting for the bone-shattering crash when he hits the bottom.

but it's not here yet.

because he can't get over how nice being touched by changyoon sounds right now.

and how much he wants changyoon to lay him down on a comfortable surface, dim the lights so that features are just a myth and appearance is hearsay, and he wants him to still tell him he's beautiful. the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

and jaeyoung wants to believe him, in his heart he'll feel it to be true. that thought makes his body feel warm and his head feels funny. not funny 'haha' but 'what was in those brownies again?' funny.

but he’s kind of wrecked it. 

gone all shaky weirdo on him in a causal make-out sesh, how can expect changyoon to want to go further when jaeyoung’s proven to be such a flight risk? he said kissing him was fun but never clarified what kind of fun. was ti fun like a puzzle game was fun? good enough to clear your head and think things over but make your head hurt if you play too long. or fun like a roller coaster? like he was something changyoon wanted to get on(literally) over and over again even if he got sick to his stomach?

**_what did fun mean?!_ **

he feels around on his mattress, ruffling blankets and upturning stuffed animals.

found it.

it's scratched and covered in stickers the logo is barely visible- his ds lite. he lost the stylus like the day after he got it for his 12th birthday so a chopstick has been working well enough since middle school. 

nintendogs.

the game that keeps him from constant mental breakdowns and possible unearthing of feelings for his best friend that lives _right_ next door. 

no, now was the time for little pixelated dogs and little pixelated dog activities. 

his parents were coming in a week.

less than a week if jiffy lube employees ever got their heads out of their asses.

he has to get over this in a week.

or at least figure something out.

> *a week later* 

jaeyoung doesn’t know why he thought the knock on the door would be his chinese food- knocks on his door are almost from one source. 

changyoon an oversized purple shirt and matching purple cargo shorts leans in his doorway with a knowing smile on his face. he’s wearing a big neon green(yellow?) hat that can only be described as _funky_. yeah, let’s go with funky.

“you look-”

“funky? i know. you have that constipated look on your face which means you don’t know what to say so you’re probably gonna say funky or interesting or unique.” he busts past him into the apartment flopping on the couch-not-couch with a satisfied ‘humph’. he would be stricken that changyoon can basically read his mind at this point but is eventually grateful that he didn’t have to say the word ‘funky’ out loud. 

“yes, changyoon you can come in and get your nasty shoes all over my chair.” jaeyoung flicks the door shut and turns to a very comfortable looking changyoon. 

“i’m not a vampire, i don't need to be allowed in.”

“but you are a human, right? with _manners_.” 

“first of all, this is your _only_ chair. second, manners shmanners. what are you my mom?” changyoon says all of this while rummaging through the cushions for the switch. he knows that because he sat on it this morning trying to watch criminal minds in _peace_. on what he just realized is his only chair. -

he needs more chairs if he’s gonna have his parents over.

_his parents._

“shut it. and i’m hiding the switch until you behave.” he doesn’t like how paternal that comes out but it makes changyoon sit up straight on the couch and flutter his eyelashes, “i’ll behave.” 

“sure you will.” there’s no perfect way to tell changyoon he not only needs him to help him pick out chairs because he really is beyond hopeless in the interior decorating field. and there’s an even less perfect way to tell him he needs him to stay home for a day because his parents are coming over. 

and not make either to sound like an order or demand. 

even if they are both extremely urgent and time-sensitive. 

“hey, i need to tell you something.” 

“wait.” changyoon reels back skeptically, “are you breaking up with me?”

“shut it.” after they kissed nothing had progressed and nothing had regressed. it really was just a one time mistake. an afterthought of a perfect moment too obvious to pass up. changyoon is just one of those people who can ask to kiss people when he feels like it. 

jaeyoung is not, clearly.

because since then he’s been trying to find a time to kiss him again and has failed miserably. asking to kiss people is harder than it looks! you have to find words and then say the words loud enough so they can hear you- bullshit, he decided, all of it. 

“my parents are actually gonna be here in like 5 minutes to take me to outback steak or something like that. and they’re kind of wanting a tour of my place so-”

“so i should probably go home, right?”

he’d like to beat around the bush some more but he jus exhales in defeat, “yeah, that’s probably a good idea.”

“no problem man, out of your hair. go have that nice dinner with your folks _without me_.” changyoon slinks off the couch and out the door before jaeyoung can think of anything scathing to say in response. 

* * *

dinner was fine.

it was always fine. and every time he seems to forget it’s always just _fine_ and continues to go. snide comments about the “ltgbq+ or whatever it is now i can't keep up” from his father and a few obvious placed concerns about his “lifestyle” from his mother it really was just-

fine. 

the doors slam shut behind him, the apartment building’s heavy air condition was just a slowly fading memory to the humid sunset. living on the 3rd floor sucked for most things- postmates drivers could never find him, the stair trek up to his room wasn’t _that_ long but it was still annoying with a handful of groceries. the elevator was almost always broken and when it was “working” it was a rickety sauna at best.

3rd floor is for chumps. 

but one of the few perks is the covered long breezeway between buildings. the wind was just right at this height and the sunset always looked like a tropical island drink spilling across the sky. he never liked the smell of outside. he was raised in the suburbs where the freshest air he inhaled was the air blasting through the vents of his mom’s honda odyssey. and he always liked it that way- it was all he knew. long car rides to a shitty family restaurant just for him to conclude at the end of the outing that he doesn’t _want_ a family anymore. the more time he spent with these people the more he realized he didn't like them very much. and them him.

of course he loved his family, he had to in a way. but people talk too much, expect too much, judge every little thing too much. his family was no different. they were monarchs of nit-picking and jaeyoung was always the brunt of someone's joke. 

with changyoon it was like they made a joke.

like them together was the funniest thing in the world and they could laugh about it all day. it was different from just being pointed at and laughed at- he was funny. or at least funny enough to make changyoon squirt beverages out of his nose on multiple occasions. he didn't really live with changyoon, but it was like when changyoon was there it was a home. like changyoon was a missing piece of furniture jaeyoung wandered around looking for in increasing panic. changyoon was there almost every day but always left at night(or at least when he remembered to leave at 2 am and then disappeared). they _had_ boundaries not a lot but some. changyoon could walk into his bathroom, with the very high possibility that he was naked and be fine with it. but always politely declines staying over- always something about having to work the next morning. he had no objections to making out with him on his bed in the middle of the day after he just got off the phone with his mom- no, that was fine. but sleeping on his couch-not-couch for a possible 8 hours and having pancakes on the floor watching frasier reruns? that was out of the question. 

he wonders if it has anything to do with that scenario he saw clear as day.

he wonders if it means more than just the strangely polite habits of a next-door neighbor.

the sun is setting prettily over the treelines past the parking lot, fading orange and pink hues that somehow blend perfectly despite not planning anything beforehand. they just work. jaeyoung leans his stomach on the railing, crossing his arms over his chest and closing his eyes. he squeezes them until the world is an illusion and all he can see is the freckled darkness of his own mind. 

he wishes on the sunset like it’s a shooting star- which is absurd, but so is his wish. 

you can't make someone love you. you can’t wish it into existence like good health or good luck or a good family life. no, love isn’t a miracle. he’s sure if he asked a genie spurting out of a lamp in fits of unfathomable magic he could _please_ make changyoon love him just a little bit, make this more than just fun- the answer would be no. the genie would sadly shake its magical head(magically, of course) and tell him that’s just not how wishes work. you can’t wish for things that are completely impossible. 

the subtle heat on his face from the setting sun gets weaker and disappears entirely. when he opens his eyes there’s no sun at all. just the remaining mingling colors with a touch more blue than before.

he hopes his wish comes true.

somehow.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!!  
> if y'all could tolerate this i'll post the 2nd part but we'll see~~  
> i won't link my socials but if you can manage to find me on twitter by sheer force of will i'll personally bake you a cake(i'm a pretty good cook *flips hair*)
> 
> don't forget to dive into the new world


End file.
